Friday 1 March 2013

Don't you?

Don't you wish,

That everything was not solely about what is conspicuous?
That there was more to one's face than ugly, red outbursts?
That there was more to one's individuality than curves being in the wrong places?

I do. Don't you?
Don't you wish,

That their idea of beauty was not so superficial?
That their sources of happiness were not so shallow?
That your motivation could stem from their belief and not from their constant disapproval?

I do. Don't you?
Don't you wish,

That you could speak effortlessly amidst them?
That you could shut their judgmental stares out?
That you could express without the fear of being ridiculed?

I do. Don't you?
Don't you wish,

That your sense of morality was not so gray?
That you could rise and let rise above petty conflicts of opinion?
That you could take your decisions with a mind bereft of obligations?
That some day, you could make a transition from sacrifice to self-interest without being labelled selfish?

You could be that one exemplary, free bird in this zoo full of caged, exhibited creatures.
I wish I could.
Don't you?

I'm aware. I'm alive.


‘’Happy Birthday!’’, she heard them scream. Stopping in her trail with a glint of joy in her eyes, a smile spread across Shivani’s face. At least her friends had remembered. With an innocent excitement, she jumped and turned around. But that smile began to fade. It was someone else’s lucky day. Nevertheless, her eager eyes searched for her gang of girls. With each passing minute, she wished with all her heart that someone would come along and turn this occasion around for her, but in vain. The day seemed to have lost all its charm. 
Fighting back her tears, she rode back home from college, hoping against all odds that this year would be different. Probably, a nice family dinner with her mum’s homemade cookies. Yes, that would be the best eighteenth birthday gift. It was something that she missed terribly. She couldn't recollect the last time she had had the satisfactory pleasure of gulping down her mother’s delicious food. Not since the band of butlers and cooks had made their way into her newly purchased duplex. Hers was a rich family yet a perfect example of the fact that every coin has two sides. The expensive gifts, cars, artifacts or any such luxuries could never make up for the lost love between her mother and herself. Neither could it make up for the long nights when she cried herself to sleep because her businessman father seemed to hold the world at a pedestal while neglecting his own little girl.As she parked her bicycle in the garage, Shivani could already sense the hustle and bustle. She made her way through the front door only to be welcomed by noisy strangers and blaring music. Her mother was by the backyard pool, rattling on about the latest neighbourhood gossip with Mrs. Desai while her father was nowhere in sight. That familiar pain in the gut began to surface. Her parents had thrown her yet another party. Another shindig to showcase their opulence. The room reeked of shallow materialism. This was not what Shivani had wanted. She needed to get away from there. As paradoxical as it may sound, the crowd seemed to pull at the strings of loneliness in her heart. She made a dash towards the door when a brash grip held her arm. It was her father. He looked her in the eye, signalling her to stay put. Normally, she would give in to his vindictive demeanour, but not this time. It took every ounce of courage she ever had to utter the words, “This is not where I belong, Pa.” She stormed off without a second thought.This was her day. This was her moment to be happy. 
Shivani knew exactly where she needed to be. She walked with an escalating pace, clenched fists, and her nails biting into her skin. All the bottled up anger was tearing up her insides. Shifting her gaze towards the grey sky, she knew. A misty evening awaited her. She had never really liked the rain. Her friends had always conditioned her to associate the monsoons with dirty mud puddles and stinky drains. But this day was different. She reached that famous, elongated stretch of concrete. Her own personal spot to beat the blues. More than just a mere landmark, it was her favourite place in the city.A gusty wind blew. Shivani watched the waves rising higher and higher as they crashed against the robust bedrock. This place was her own little getaway from the vagaries of life that confronted her time and again. 
A thunderous sound cut through the dense air. It rained. The smell of damp earth rendered her tingly. She could almost taste the liquid sunshine. She felt something. It wasn't disgust or repulsion. It was euphoria. Oblivious to the people around her, Shivani was overwhelmed with emotion. The serenity of that place captured her witless. The feeling of the raindrops against her skin was nothing short of a trance.Teary-eyed, she giggled. Oh, how she had missed her own laughter! Shivani felt impassioned. The best birthday gift to her was her very own being. She felt aware of it. She found those lost desires and touched upon that misplaced need to feel happy again. She felt alive.